Hey momma as I sit here with tears running down my cheeks I'm missing you just as much now as the day you got your wings. I can't believe it has been 17 years today since you got called home. I love you and miss you so much. This is my first post on your page. I need to get back down to see you, clean off your stone and bring you fresh flowers before it gets cold. I have been visiting you more, I know you know I am there. I have a loving, good man in my life momma. He lost his mom just this year and that's been hard for him. I am trying my best to help him navigate through the pain. I miss her too as I loved her so much in the short time i had the privilege to be part of their family. You and her would have been the best of friends. Y'all behave up there I am sure you have met her by now. I am a nurse supervisor for IMCC. Shantel is having a baby boy in October. I will have 2 granddaughters and 2 grandsons. I love them all so much. I'm still not the Nana you were but I try. You were the best Nana in the world and the best mom I could have ever asked for. Rest well my love. I love and miss you beyond measure. Smooches Tasha has been posting on here for many years now she truly loves and misses you. You would be so proud of your family and all that we have accomplished.

Love ya always momma

Traci

G-ma!

Hi there my beautiful blue eyes. so much has happened since I was here last. I have lost 2 more friends. Bubba Justin and Jeff. I'm not sure if you got to meet them both or not but for some reason I think I remember you meeting and feeding Bubba lol. They were both too young and I miss them everyday. We hadn't hung out in a few years but just knowing your friend is here on this planet with you gives you a sense of compfort you know and then out of nowhere they're not here anymore and it kills a piece of you. I have so much loss and sadness in my life anymore it's a wonder how I smile somedays. Yet, when I get around negative people who only see the dark and sad it's draining. I can't be around that for long periods of time. so there is still hope I guess lol

On a happy note the kids are doing so well in school this year!! both of them have mostly A's and I couldn't be prouder. I'm just happy they like school and they get up in the am with no fights or arguing. They are happy and excited to go to school. It is so much better then the last 2 years. Pray that it will stay that way, or uk put in a good word with ol' JC lol. Myron started a new job driving a delivery truck. I think he likes it. My really doesn't care much as long as people are nice and he gets paid. He is pretty chill. TT is still at the gas station he used to work at and I think he is doing something else as well but i'm not remembering right now.....oh, he is cooking or is going to be cooking at a nursing home! that's right. He loves to cook so I hope he likes it there. I still have my little cleaning business. Tonight one of my "girlfriends" as you and mom and my aunties call it. was telling me she can make me t-shirts and car decals etc if I can just come up with a good name. I have no idea of a good one either. I will think of one lol. I might see if google can help me. Mom and Dad are dong well. Dad is going to retire and mom is still babysitting for James. They are both nervous for different reasons though about dad retiring. I know that it will the best thing that happened to him and mom. I pray that they do a little traveling. They both deserve to see the world. I wish I could take them anywhere... neither of them have been out of the country. Do you know how crazy that would be to be able to give that to them. As you would always say, and i'm still not sure if I understand why, you got want in one hand and shit in the other, which one weighs more. lol

I really miss you Grandma.

I love you,

Tashie

I have another one that I hope you can say Hi to for me and maybe give a big ol' hug to her and her boys for me. This was a hard one G-ma.

Life updates are kind of getting harder to give. I for one am bored with it. I keep saying the same ol thing and I need to be about the words that I'm speaking as well. This year I am making buiness cards and asking any and every where who does the cleaning and if they have thought of hiring someone new. I'm ready and I think it is time for it. Finally feels right. :-) I love you and I'll come back soon. have to sleep now. 6am comes earlier and earlier these days.

Hi G-ma!

I know I haven't come by here for awhile but life has been crazy. Auntie said she has been visiting a lot more than she used to. I am happy about that. I know you know who comes and sees you and who doesn't and you know when I come here and not. I like to thik you do anyway. so what's new..... well, Bri and I are getting over Covid. I know I explained that to you before. It was rough, felt like a super flu with stabbing pains that travel through your body. The worst part for me has to be the weak feeling that I have. I don't like that. I am always the one doing everything for other people and when I can't and people have to help me {which by the way they really didn't} It makes me feel guilty. I know that is weird or whatever you want to say but I don't like it. It's funny becasue my mom and I were talking and she says to me, how come you are always there for other people helping them and doing things for them but when it's you and you need the help where are all those people? I couldn't answer her. Really makes you feel alone in life when you think you have so many people in your corner just to find out you really don't and are very alone. I have my kids and my "close frineds" but I think honesly in my heart of hearts when it comes right down to it Grandma I have no one but my parents and kids and my kids sometimes don't do for me like I feel you should for your parents so does that mean that I messed up and raising them? Did I not show them how you are supposed to treat family? I know that I did and that I still try to in my actions. Everyday I try to show them hard work and being a good person and how it pays off. I always get blessings Grandma, I whole heartedly believe that you get back what you put out and that God will bless you for being a good person and having a good heart. Things just seem to always work out for me when I feel that it's too much for me to take or I don't know what I'm going to do about a bill or something persay. I give it to god but know I can't just sit around, while I am brain storming or trying to figure it out I always seem to get a cleaning job that is just the right amount of money I need. actually, sometimes It's more that what I need. What else could that be than god uk. So I don't do things for people becaue I want something back or to have something to hold against anyone etc. But when it is usually one sided you start to notice. To be one hundred percent fair, it is always hard for me to ask as well. Anyway, that was kind of rambly lol.

So today I was feeling better and decided to clean my whole house from ceiling to floor, one end to the other. It smells and looks very good in here now but I think I may have done too much because I don't feel so well now. I also haven't eaten yet either so it could be that too. Think i'm going to throw some chicken in the airfryer with some veggies and potatoes. uumm yeah that sounds good. I miss you Grandma sooo much! I wish you could be here and see all the kids and meet all the great grand kids! you would get a kick out of them. I hope you do get to look down on them and see how amazing they are,

This year I think that i'm going to really try to expand my business this year. I want to advertise and get more accounts so I can actually hire people and not do so much work anymore, I have noticed that.... there is a lot of money out there, too much and there is no reason that I can't be one of the people making some of that. I want to be sucessfull enough to have dad, Tynel, Shonny anyone in that family that wants to come on and we start a legitamite business that will be left to the kids to run and so on and so on. Cleaning is something that will always be needed. I have faith that it will happen. I know you will be there with us helping us along the way and I can't wait to move forward with this.

I love you so much G-ma! I miss you and I will be back to keep you posted!

love always,

Tasha

Hey My Beautiful Blue Eyes!!

Me and Auntie are coming to see you soon. I feel it is time for me to come back. I carry you with me everyday everywhere I go in my necklace I got a few years ago, but it will be nice to put something in the place where you and Grandpa Derry are resting together. The boys and the girls for that matter have all recently been asking/talking about you and wanting to hear some stories. I love talking about you so it is very easy to honor those requests. You are still my favorite person and It kills me that we have no new memories and that my lovey daughters never got the chance to make memories of their own with you. Myron still has them horses that you used to have in the livingroom. That makes my heart so happy.

You know I sit and wonder what you would think of all of these kiddos and great grand kiddos that you have. They are all so precious Grandma! I truely believe that you are wathing over us. not sure if that means you are "looking down at us" or if you just come to visit every now and then.

OH GRANDMA!! Guess who has come to visit and blessing all of us with answering our prayers of him around and speaking to us all again......Charles!!! I am so happy about that Grandma! I love my big brother soo much and have missed him so much at the family birthday parties and on Holidays! I am praying hard that he will be there this year for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have a very good feeling he will make it to one of them. You would be so proud of Auntie Traci. I guess Lee (I'm assuming you know he is the new man. he is amazing) got Auntie to get out of her compfort zone and she ACTUALLY WENT ON A ROLLER COASTER!!! I'm so proud of her she also went to a concert I guess she usually wouldn't go to. That to most people doesn't seem like a big deal but for Auntie it is huge and I'm so happy for her. I am really trying to send mom out to see Aunt Vicki. Auntie V is so lonely now that she doesn't have uncle David. Breaks my heart and it is even sadder because you know he never taught her how to drive or MADE her learn how to drive. Now she is kind of stuck. He did make sure she was taken care of in other ways though so that is good. The girls, Christie and Heather are making sure to take good care of their momma though I'm sure. I know this is a weird place to stop but I'm exhausted Me-Maw! I have worked soo much lately and when I'm not working I'm trying to clean out and up my house. He moved out so I have a lot of work to do now and I could not be happier! I should of known better in the first place. Anyway, I know now. Also, I'm the one to blame. I'll take it. I honestly don't give a shit. lol

Enough of that shit though, I'm not going to waste anymore energy on someone who has never deserverd it in the first place.

I LOVE YOU SO SO SO SO SO SOOOOO MUCH AND I MISS YOU MORE.

See you soon Me Maw!

Love you,

Tashie

Grandma I know I have said this soo many times but I really wish you were still here. We are falling apart! James and Shonny aren't talking to each other. James and Uncle aren't talking to each other. Tynel is spreading shit around making it seem like everyone is talking shit about everyone else. (which we aren't) I'm trying to remind everyone of what you would want and how much you would dissapointed in everyone right now. I have gotten everyone who has wanted one an urn necklace like the one that I have and have had for the past 10 years now. I guess I just figured if everyone has you around their neck and (watching them) then maybe they will act better to each other. Speaking of these necklaces....how come you don't want auntie to have one? lol I only ask that because out of the 4 necklaces I have filled with your ashes the one for auntie is the only one I can't get to close again after I get your ashes in there. Also, it is the second one I have ordered for auntie. The first one went missing so I was like, "dang Grandma, why don't you want auntie to have one." lol I'm praying about it everyday that everything gets better.

On another note. I have been so blessed Grandma! You would be so proud of me with this business that I have going. I will be making cards I think and reaching out to more people so Shonny and I can come together and start this bigger cleaning business. You make sure you are watching us. I have more to tell you but I need to go for now becasue I have somethings I need to get done. I love and miss you every single day!!

-Tashie

Hey Grandma!!

I had to come by and thank you for the visit the other night. It was great to have a "dream" with you in it and it not go to some crazy, scary, heart breakiing dream. You came and let me know that you are with us. You are watching us and you are very proud of all of us. You even stayed long enough to take pictures with the girls! It was wonderful, you didn't make it to meet Bear. You tried to hang on but in the end just got tired. She was born on the day that we put you to rest next to Grandpa Derry. You know all of this though. I'm not staying here long I just wanted to stop by and let you know how happy you made me. Thank you Grandma!! You have no idea how much your stop to say meant to me.

I love you,

Tashie

Hi Memaw!!

I know that it seems like I only come here to complain but you were my person. The one person I could tell everything to and I got nothing but wisdom and advice. No judgement or commands on what I should do. I know you know all of this but I feel some type of way lately Grandma and I'm not sure why. I hate this world Grandma with all of the fibers of my being. If it wasn't for my babies I would have left so long ago.

I'm to my breaking point Grandma, there is so much going on in my life I have no idea how to manage it all and stay sane. How did you do it? You made it all seem so easy.

I have the girls and making sure they are doing well in school and that they have all the things they need. I take care of all of the bills, groceries, house hold supplies, gas, insurance and all the other things that the girls need. Clothes, shoes etc etc. It is hard and now Bear's dad is taking her every other week. Which you would think would help but it doesn't. I have worked so hard grandma to get her to the kid she is now and she is starting to regress. She comes home and she is so angry and I have to spend half the week she is home getting back to the kids I have worked hard to get. I'm getting a lawyer to help with this because I'm tired of them doing whatever they want because they think they are better than me. Having money doesn't make you a better person than others. I'm tired of fighting this fight alone and I'm finally going to stand up for myself like I have been told to do for years now.

Besides all of that the girls are great! Driving me crazy of course so they are doing their jobs marvelously! ha ha They are still doing home school because of Covid and the people of the United States are still ignorant and not doing what they should be doing to stop the spread. I can't believe the utter stupidity sometimes of this world Grandma. I bet you guys look down sometimes and just shake your heads. How is Grandpa Derry, Great Grandma and Grandpa anyway? I'm sure you all are having a wonderful time up there. I like to think so anyway.

Tonight at work I was listening to the songs I used to listen to while I was taking care of you in those last few years. I don't really listen to them much anymore. I cried of course but it felt so good to remember the laughs we used to have with each other about being, "cry babies" I can see it so clear in my mind. I can picture the whole apartment and I can still smell how it smelled. The memories may make me shed some tears but they fill my heart with love at the same time.

I miss you so much Grandma, I always will and they are full of crap when they say, "it will get better." I was to young to lose you and so was everyone else. It doesn't seem like we had enough time.

Anyway Grandma I'm going to go and I will come back again and chit chat.

I love you so much,

Tashie <3

Happy Thanksgiving Grandma! Just like every year it won't be the same without you. This year is so very weird grandma, there is this pandemic called Covid-19 and it's killing people left and right! We can't even go outside to the stores without wearing a mask and some people wear gloves. it's crazy and hopefully it will go away soon but some people are not listening to the warnings and the doctors and so it's taking longer to leave. This is American....

We are all doing well here in this house. Bri and I were sick a few weeks ago but it wasn't the virus (thank god) Mom was sick too, same thing not the virus. The flu is kicking butt already this year. LIli is sick though, this stupid lady brought her kid to daycare then went and took herself to get tested for the virus. I don't understand how people can be so selfish. James and the whole family are quarantined for now. When you are exposed you have to quarantine for 14 days.

On another note I'm watching the Macy's day parade!! It's the 94th one! It brought back so many good memories. Me getting up early on Thanksgiving day so I could watch this with you and "help" you start cooking the meal. You know Grandma as much as it breaks me inside that you are not here, I'm glad that you don't have to see all the craziness this world has become. I always say, that I don't want to be here anymore.

I'm pretty sure I told you but incase I didn't. I'm a grandma now! TT had a baby! I can't wait to see him today! I get him overnight. I love spending time with that baby sooo much.

I don't have a lot to say this time because I'm keeping this letter happier than normal. I'll come back and vent later. lol

I love you so much Grandma and I'll make sure that I keep you with me all day today like I do everyday.

-Tasha

Hi G-ma!

Today marks the 13th anniversary of the day daddy called you home! It is so hard to believe that you have been gone that long! Bear will be 14 in a couple week and is a freshman in high school! How crazy is that?! Not crazier than the fact that Tharian has a SON!! I'm now a grandma! can you believe that! I absolutely love him! I now know why you always loved me so much and took care of me. I just want to keep him forever and ever. His name is Akai'Dyn Nathanial Rundell. Very different, I know but it grows on you. The girls are exited to be aunties of a nephew who is actually her and they can play with and love on. Mom and Dad were excited as well they are great grand parents now. hard to believe. So all in all our family is doing well and growing.

There was a huge storm that came through Iowa, it actually went across the whole Mid West. Cedar Rapids is devastated. Some of my friends that live up there still don't have power. Farms, houses, stores, trees etc etc all destroyed. They have brought people from all over the place to try to get everything up and going. I was scary. My grandson's mom lost everything, the apartment they lived in was totally destroyed the walls were ripped off. She is here staying with T-man for right now. We have all been pitching in to get Kai the things he needs. Formula, diapers, wipes etc. Justin's new wife Christine, got a bunch of donations for him as well. The Red Cross has finally came in and started helping people. It is going to take a while before they are back up and running like normal i'm afraid.

OH! I haven't even told you about the deadly pandemic that we have been dealing with since spring break. The kids got out of school for the break and then have still not went back. the virus is called the Corona virus or Covid-19. It attacks your respiratory system and a lot of people have died. We all have to wear masks when we go outside now, it's a crazy time right now grandma.

There are protests and riots happening as well because black men and women are being slaughtered by the police and nothing is happening to the cops who are doing it. What set it off was a man named George Floyd. He was suffocated by a white police man while he begged for his life and kept telling them he couldn't breath and begged for his mother. It was so sad! there was also an Emt named Breonna Taylor who was shot to death while in bed and her murderers are still out and walking around with no charges.So needless to say Black Lives Matter movement is huge again. It's crazy to me grandma to see how many of the people that I thought were my friends turn an eye to what to is going on or just really show how they are racist period. It all breaks my heart. I'm thankful that you don't have to go through any of this. Your sweet heart would be broken.

Did I tell you that James has a son also? His name is Ezra and he is 2 or maybe he is 3... sorry, i'm not sure. Aralia is 4 now though and Amina is 5, she had her first day of school on Monday. She was so excited! They are all doing well.

Everyone I would say is doing very well in this family. We are all starting to talk more regularly, not the Sunday dinners like we used to have but sometimes we make it together for dinner. More than we used to so that is good.

Anyway, I'm going to stop talking now because I can obviously go on forever.

I love you Grandma and I still miss you every single day!

Your loving grand daughter,

Tashie

Hey Grandma,

I'm here once again..... i'm having some issues trying to figure out where I want to go in life and the only person I feel I can talk to about all of the deep issues I have inside is you. So here I am again pouring out my heart to this page. plus, it's close to your birthday and that always makes me crazy.....

so, what is going on...... I have been working in the evenings cleaning for a company, it's a pretty good job, easy and I work alone so I just listen to my music and clean plus i can take the ladies with me and they love it. Sounds good huh, this isn't what i'm struggling with..... I have been working for myself as well as my night job. My biggest client which is mom's church brought me in today to talk to me about an issue she is having and now I have to step back with the job and cut my pay down $300! If I choose to stay there. I would be coming in and over seeing another group of cleaners because they owe money to the church for rent and have no other way of paying right now. I'm kind of pissed about it but at the same time I understand. Now I just have to figure out what I am going to do.... and my home life. Well, that is falling apart as well. I'm trying to keep it together, I really am but I have no idea which way to go forward.... I'm lost.

I love and miss you Grandma! I wish you were here to give me advice. I will talk to you soon.... It's almost your birthday! :)

Hi Grandma,

I'm here again. It's your birthday today and though it's been 11 years since you left us, I still miss you as if you had just gone. There are still so, so, so, many things that I have to talk to you about. I don't feel like I learned all that I could from you yet. There were still lessons that you and only you could teach. You were always the one who cared for me and made sure that I knew right from wrong and used my heart just as much as I used my head. I feel so lost now, like sense you left us, I just cant get it together. On the outside I might look like i'm good, I take care of my kids and the house, bills, you know all the stuff you're supposed to do as an adult but inside, i'm wondering aimlessly around a deep dark hole that was created when you said goodbye. I haven't felt right or whole in all this time; such a big part of me is missing and that is you. I don't even know who I am anymore grandma, I truly don't and it's scary as hell sometimes. I feel like im failing at life right now and I wish I could get some advice from you. I can't finish anything I set to do. I have accomplished nothing worth talking about in my time on this earth, nothing! I hope you are not dissapointed in me when you look down on us. You were so proud of me going back to school and trying to make something of myself and I couldn't even follow through with that for you. It was like I just stopped.....I have tried again since and failed, again. I just don't have the drive I used to you know. I feel sometimes like it is pointless, when you were here to give me another person who I know truely loves me and cares about my future I wanted to succeed for you, me, my kids. Now, the boys are grown up and on thier own, my, he is in college now and I feel like I have failed him if by nothing else the fact that I didn't make something out of myself so I can give him a college life he should have, where all he has to worry about is getting good grades and washing his laundry. Instead he has money worries on top of all the other stresses that come with college. It's not fair that I did that to him. The girls on the other hand, I just try to show them how to be good decent people and to work hard for the things that you want so you appreciate what you get but aren't I the one who should work my fingers bloody so that they can have a better life me!? Is that my purpose? Is that what you believe? I work as much as I can and do all that I can to make sure they have the things that need and some of what they want. I just never feel like i'm doing enough. How did you fill your shoes easily? you were always so strong, smart, kind and humble. I have never met anyone else who is like you Grandma and I think this world needs more people like you. I try to teach the girls the things you taught me growing up and they love you so much and talk about you as if they actually got to meet you. It kills me that they never have. I still wear your ashes in my necklace and they even kiss it goodnight :) We all love and miss you, you were our glue that heald this family together now there are rips and tears all over the pages. I did get to Aunt Vickie!! She came for a night, wish she could of stayed longer but you know uncle David. (insert eye roll) ha ha

Maybe, you can visit me in my dreams. I sure would like to see your face. I love you Grandma, always and forever!!

Your smartass granddaughter,

Natasha

Hi G-Ma!!

I wanted to stop by and say HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I can't believe that it has been ten years sense I have had a hug from you, or heard your laugh because you told me how you were going to "kick my a$$!" God I miss you so much!! Right now I could really use some advice from you. I hope you don't see me as the failure that I feel I have become. I would never want to dissapoint you in any way.

I am struggling though, I will admit, I am not as strong as you were. I wish I was, I need some help g-ma, I need to know that I am okay and that I can do this. No matter how many times a day I tell myself that it just seems like lies to me. I wish I could get just one more hug from you to feel how much you love me and to make me feel strong again just from being in your embrace. I know I will see you again "some day" but that "some day" is not soon enough!!

I love you with every fiber of my being and pray for you still every night!!

-Tashie

Grandma, please look after Nitaya. She just left us yesterday after a lost battle with pneumonia, which I don't understand grandma I really don't!! She was young and so full of life and love and happiness!! Plus she was in the hospital when the lord decided to take her away. It wasn't anything that she shouldn't have been able to fight with no problem. She was Shonny's best friend grandma, shonny is so devistated she doen't know what to do.....I went and compforted her lastnight and got her out of the house lastnight for awhile. She needs us right now g-ma! Can you please stop by her dreams and let her know that you love her and will look out for Tay for us.

It's late and I am becoming that insomniac that I always have been since I was just a girl.....but this time it's just because the world is very grandma.....very heavy for me right now.

I love you and I pray you stop by my dreams and see me soon as well.

with all the love I have in my soul to give,

Tasha.

Hey there G-ma!

Just wanted to stop by and let you know that I love you and have been thinking about you very much lately. I'm sorry that I am the only one who writes on here but know that you don't go one day with out floating through our hearts and minds. I so wish you could see the kids!! They are soo big now! omgoodness you wouldn't even believe My or TT if you seen them lol. I'm doing okay, had some Dr. appointments lately that have me kind of worried but i'm sure with you watching over me I will be okay.

My classes start soon, I can't wait!! i'm going stir crazy sitting around the house with nothing to do and there is only so much cleaning one can do in a day lol.

well, I love you Grandma and I will come back soon,

Tashie :-*

Hey G-ma,

You would be proud of all of us this year.....we actually got together as a family for Christmas!! Charles couldn't make it, but he said that he will come next year. It felt like you were with us, and I caught some cool pictures of orbs.....I would like to think that that was you; it sure felt like it; there was such a sense of calm, peace and love throughout the whole house. We were just missing your laughs, and smart comments ;)

Amina is so cute Grandma!! you would be in love at first sight, and shonny is such a great mom. I knew she would be; I am really proud of her. Auntie finally feels what you had felt for so many years.....the love of being a Grandma; she is a great grandma as well!

Tomorrow we are going to Hector's family's for a New Year party; it should be a good time we got the girls some "champaigne" really sparkling cider but they will have fun with the idea. We also got them a puppy; we can't bring him home until the end of the month though; he is still too small! but me and Hector seem to be more excited than the girls lol probably just because the reality hasn't kicked in yet.

Anyway, I love you Grandma and I miss you so very much every single day!!

Happy New Year My Beautiful Blue Eyes!!

Not a day goes by that I dont miss my blue eyes!! I can still hear your laugh and see ur beautiful smile. I pray everyday that you are still at peace me-maw! I hope that when u watch over me you are proud of the woman that you, above all others, showed me how to be! I will love and miss you until the day I die!!